Brown

If you live long enough, it is bound to happen. And I don't mean on a minor level either. I mean that it leaves you wondering sometimes for months on end, and perhaps more than anything, you wonder when something will change it all so that you can go wondering about something else.

Conflict.

I have two middle names. Neither of them is this word, and yet, they might as well be. Named after two men, with whom I actually only had tenuous familial relationships, though they were unaware of it. Conflict has been my associate for most of my life, or what I remember of my life anyway.

Between what you want, and what you need.

I knew what I wanted. Have wanted. Want still to some degree.
But I didn't make the move. I didn't take that leap.

Why?

Because I knew what I wanted, wasn't what I needed.

Now this one, is somewhat new to me. But the cards knew. I didn't find a set. The owner of the old set found me. I was sitting at the Arian campfire, and she walked up with her brown robes. The last time we'd spoken she was trying to find the solution, the amulet. Then, she disappeared. I've almost grown used to people coming into my life, and then disappearing just as quickly. But I suppose Fate, and I don't mean Astraea in this case, thought I might need some assistance this time around.

The cards knew.

Familiarity. Three. Arrogance that has caused past misery. I knew who these three were. We are all so interconnected, that after the last one disappeared from my life, I found I was lacking a large section of myself. Where it had gone? I didn't know. I thought for while that it was just living outside of my body, in Julian. But no, it's gone. Frustration. Restlessness. Failure to focus personal energy so it is scattered. This has been the way of it for over a year now. Going from one thing to the next, without ever leaving any of it undone once a project began. I know it must have confused quite a few people, but if I could get order around me, the inside skewing wasn't as noticeable. It is time to take what I want. Strong chance of achievement for making that leap. Future. Happiness. I've had this card before. I don't like this card. I don't trust this card. Ace.

Brown. A few days ago, I bought beads and earrings in browns and greens, for a slave I don't even own. I have never been fond of brown, although not because it reminds me of anything necessarily. Then again, maybe that was the problem. I tend to prefer things with which I have made some sort of association to something else, something I do like.

Brown helped take care of my son with quiet softness I don't possess.
Brown is the color of a chocolate cake made in appreciation.
Brown, in a different shade, will take care of my son now.

I like brown.